Crap, TV3 and Dev
Frank Corr kicks off a new column in which he takes a whimsical glance at Irish media

Irish Times columnist Michael Parsons has a talent for hackle-raising. Already this year, he has demanded that “the unworkable European Parliament” be shut down. He then encouraged readers to look for their art in a local DIY shop. He also questioned the GAA's wisdom in engaging Etihad Airways as a championships' sponsor.

But Parsons swipe at TV3 sent blood pressures rising out in West Dublin. Quoting TV3 director of programming Ben Frow's comment that “There is a lot of crap on Irish TV”, he offered some examples – from the TV3 schedule with “shows like Britain's Got Talent (oh no, it doesn't), Pageant Moms Unleashed; Banged Up Abroad; Can Fat Teens Hunt? (let's hope not); Facelift Diaries, Lawless Britain and Trinny and Susannah Undress the Nation. “Except they don't, of course. It's not ‘our' nation,” Parsons added.

He went on to list some of the shows in which Frow had a hand, including Cosmetic Surgery Live and A Girl's Guide to 21^st Century Sex, which he claimed “had cameras inside vaginas, (and) on the heads of penises”. What's next, Parsons asked. Perhaps a local version of Frow's Designer Vaginas. “Anyone for Celebrity Sheela-na-Gigs?”

Parsons described the new TV3 headline show as an “Irish copycat version of The Apprentice and rounded it all off with a little review of Xpose which ran: “A 15-second perusal (more than adequate) revealed a presenter who looked like the ‘Botox Barbie' describe someone called ‘Beyonce' (who?) as the ‘boogalicious babe we all admire'.”

“Thank goodness”, Mr P concluded, “Dev didn't live to see such shenanigans…Well, now there's a new ‘Dev' on the block – a philandering Asian shopkeeper in Coronation Street.” Not surprisingly, Madam's postbag/email inbox received a response, with TV3 head honcho David McRedmond complaining of an “inexcusable attack” that “descended into misogyny and casual racism”. Macca signed off by saying: “Shame on you”.

Larry Bass, top man at Screentime ShinAwiL Productions, which makes the Irish version of The Apprentice, pointed out that the show is a franchised edition of a successful international TV formula. “Let them decide” were Bass's parting words.

And what was the IT's view? Well, its TV guide on the same day described TV3's Naked Parents as “a sensitive and funny exploration of issues that everyone relates to, either as a parent or a child, or both”. Ben Frow would have been chuffed.

HOOK, LINE AND SINK HIM Brian O'Driscoll with actress Amy Huberman at the Dubliner of the Year award. In an interview with Marian Finucane on RTE Radio, the Ireland rugby captain made it clear that TV pundit George Hook would not be the first name on his Christmas card list this year.

DRICO BUYS DUMMY

Over on RTE Radio One, it was a nice cosy Saturday morning chat during which Marian Finucane, in her own sweet way, asked Brian O'Driscoll about life after rugby. Maybe he would become the next George Hook? “I hope not,” replied Drico, buying the dummy pass with the enthusiasm of a Brown Thomas sale customer.

Marian let the hare sit for a question or two and then enquired if her guest had anything in particular against the venerable RTE rugby pundit. “I would like to have a valued opinion,” said the onrushing former Leinster captain.

“I am a firm believer that the people whose opinions you count or rely on, are people who have been there and done it either as a manager, player or coach and not someone who is a sensationalist. I believe that he is completely that.”

At which point, Marian gently suggested that Hookie had in fact coached rugby teams.

“At a poor standard and with no success,”sniffed Brian, inviting a spear tackle. It came of course, via a call from a delighted Jerome Reilly of the Sunday Independent to the most incandescent rugger bugger on the planet, busily watching a Tri Nations game at the time.

“He's simply parroting what his mentor Eddie O'Sullivan said about me,” retorted Hookie. “Since he was handed the captaincy by Eddie, Brian has never held a contrary view to him.” Then, after listing his coaching credentials – including the USA in the 1997 World Cup -, Hookie delivered the ‘big hit'.

“So, Mr O'Driscoll, who gets paid more than any other rugby player alive, obviously doesn't like the fact that there are people who are not prepared to kiss his arse.”

Amazing what will produce a page lead on a dull day.

PS: So, the Irish Examiner is the new sponsor of what may now be called The Irish Examiner Cork Opera House. But Corkonians will inevitably refer to the esteemed venue as De Paper Tater from now on.

Frank Corr (fcorr@esatclear.ie) is an author and freelance writer.